Christmas Hope
by Lilly Monroe
Summary: All I wanted was to feel better, to find some sort of comfort from all of this.' Can Bella find that hope she's been looking for, for someone to tell her that everything's going to be okay? Could Edward, the boy from her past, be her angel in disguise?


**AN: My gift to you, my dear Edward & Bella lovers, is this emotional Christmas one-shot. **

**It's my hope that you all enjoy it as much as I loved writing it for you. **

* * *

**Christmas Hope**

'_Faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more. Through the years we all will be together…if the fates allow'_

I quickly grabbed the television remote and shut it off, being in no mood to listen to Judy Garland sing what has to be the saddest Christmas song _ever _in the history of Christmas music.

I used to love watch this movie, but I just couldn't stomach those lyrics this year.

Why? I was alone and depressed. What a fucking cheery combination, right?

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, it isn't this year. In fact, all I wanted was to go to sleep and wake up two days from now. The day would be over and I could go back to sulking without feeling too bad about it, without having people watching me with sad and compassionate eyes.

I didn't want their sympathy, didn't need to see their faces to know I was a damn mess.

I don't know what they expect from me though. It's only been six months since I lost him.

Six months hasn't been long enough to properly mourn the death of a man who was always there for me whenever I needed him.

Shit, even thinking about it brought that annoying swell of tears to my eyes. You'd think that after all the tears I've shed this year I'd have nothing left in me.

But I guess I was wrong. I guess this is what happens when you lose your father; you get all sappy and emotional every ten minutes.

There was no way in hell I would even think about setting foot outside my house in this condition, but I knew there was no way out of it.

Somehow my dear friends, the Cullens, had convinced me to come over for dinner at their house. And, and much as I loved Esme's cooking, I hadn't had that much of an appetite in almost a year.

Ever since dad got sick, things had changed vastly.

In a span of twelve months I had gone from college student to caretaker and eventually to depressed daughter stuck in a fucking rut.

It all happened so fast that I didn't even have a chance to process one thing before another happened.

Mustering enough strength, I stood up off the couch and trudged upstairs, tugging on the sleeves of dad's old flannel shirt. It's been six months, but I haven't gotten rid of any of his things. How could I? Every little thing I wanted to keep as a reminder of the man I had lost, a reminder of how life _used _to be.

As I rummaged through my closet, looking for something suitable to wear to the ever fashionable Cullens, I thought back to the day they told dad and I…

"_We've discovered what's been causing you all that pain Mr. Swan." I sat with dad, holding his hand as we listened to the doctor speak. "I'm afraid that it isn't good news."_

"_What's wrong with me?" I could feel dad's hand going sweaty as we sat there. _

"_You have a tumor, Charlie. A small, malignant tumor at the base of your brain."_

"_Can they remove it?" I beat dad to the punch. "You…you can do that right?"_

"_I'm afraid we can't. The tumor is in a very delicate area. One wrong move and your father could be paralyzed for life, or lose his life on the operating table. It would be best to just wait this out and see what happens." _

_I squeezed my dad's hand, praying to God that things would be okay. _

"Fucking liars." I cursed under my breath as I pulled out a plum colored dress out from the back of the closet. I stripped out of the warm pajamas and slipped on the soft silk dress. I had never worn it because it was very form fitting, but I had lost so much weight over the past couple months that it now draped over me, almost too loosely.

I searched for black tights and shoes as I continued to think about that first day.

They had said that they'd wait and see, that they would probably be able to fix my dad so he would be healthy again.

That never happened.

They never operated and he never got better.

He was diagnosed with the tumor in December of last year and died in June of this year. Six months was all I had with him, preparing myself for when the day finally came. We both knew his death was inevitable and we tried to make the most of it.

I dropped out of school after he was diagnosed, moving permanently back home when it became too much of a hassle to drive back and forth between home and where I lived on campus.

Dad wasn't thrilled in the beginning, but he later told me he was glad I had come back home. Having always been just the two of us, we both knew we needed each other more than ever.

He had always been there for me growing up, helping me through every embarrassing teenage moment that most fathers would've cringed when approached with.

Not dad though. Of course he had always been a quiet man by nature, but he never failed to tell me how much he loved me and tried to give me the best he could.

Once my outfit was complete, I entered the bathroom and tried to figure out what to do about my hair. I hardly ever wore makeup, but knew tonight I'd be in dire need of it.

I quickly curled my hair, letting it cascade down my back. My hair used to be shiny and soft, but now it was dull and lifeless.

A mirror of what my life was like now.

Staring at my reflection I hardly recognized the woman who stared back at me. When dad got sick, I stopped sleeping for fear of something happening. When he died, I couldn't sleep for fear of what I'd see when I closed my eyes.

The nightmares were few these days, but they still showed up when I least expected them. They tortured me and resulted in many nights where I sat up in bed crying.

I knew this was no way to lead a life and that I should probably go seek counseling or something, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept telling myself that one day I was going to be better, but deep down I was beginning to doubt that.

Makeup covered the dark circles under my eyes as best it could, but there was no product to hide the paleness that plagued my cheeks.

"This is as good as it's going to get baby." I did a quick turn, seemingly satisfied with my look and headed downstairs. My jacket and keys were waiting for my by the door, making sure I didn't chicken out. With a snap of the lights, I headed outside.

The winter chill was a bitch, especially since I hadn't been outside the house in a few days. Not like that mattered. I didn't have a job and the only people who called me were Alice and Jacob.

As I climbed in my beloved truck, I tugged down my dress as I turned the engine on and waited for it to heat up somewhat.

I thought about my childhood best friend. Jake and I had always been pretty close, having spent a lot of time together growing up. He lived on the reservation outside of town and as we got older, we saw less and less of each other. When dad got sick, he came and visited us with his own father but that was about it. Over the years we had grown apart and, after dad died, there really wasn't much for us to talk about anymore.

At the request probably made by his father he called me every once in awhile to see how I was doing, but that was all. He never made it a point to tell me he was going to come see me or anything like that. Which, I was somewhat relieved. I didn't need awkward pity from anyone. Besides, Jake was young and was just beginning his college life. He didn't need someone like me to bring him down.

He would always be my friend, but it was just better this way.

Driving away from the house, I thought about Alice. I honestly still don't know how she and I ever became friends. She was everything I wasn't and yet she still found a best friend in me when her and the rest of her family moved here.

Her family, the Cullens, had become like my second family over the years. Carlisle and Esme along with their three children were perfection in everyone's eyes. And I had to agree with them.

She and dad had been close too and his death hit Alice pretty hard. I never understood their relationship, but I did know that dad thought of Alice as his daughter too. He was practically putty in her hands though, always convincing him to let me go out with her on all kinds of adventures.

I smiled at that thought, thinking of the various stories Alice used to tell 'the chief' so that we could escape the town for the evening, venturing out of town to some party or something of the sort.

As soon as the smile faded, it was replaced by tears. It always went this way. I'd think about something that had to do with dad and it would cause this huge hole in my chest to open even further.

To say I was emotionally broken was an understatement. It went so much deeper than that and all I wanted was to feel better, to find some sort of comfort from all of this.

I pulled up the Cullen home at exactly five pm. God I really was Charlie Swan's daughter. That man was never late for anything. We always had to be right on time wherever we went.

I got out of the truck in a rather unwomanly fashion, glad that no one was out there to see me. Walking towards the front door, I suddenly felt bad that I didn't have any presents to offer them. I almost always bought them something, but this year was different.

I just wasn't in the Christmas spirit. Fuck, how could I when all I felt was pain and sadness?

_Just because you're sad, don't take it out on others. _

I stood taller upon hearing dad's voice in my mind. He was right. Just because I was depressed, it didn't mean I was going to ruin the happiness of others. They didn't deserve it.

My hand had barely touched the doorbell when it flung open. Music and laughter greeted me before strong arms did. I gasped, feeling my lungs being deprived of air for a few seconds.

"Bells!" Emmett's throaty laugh vibrated against me as he sat me down, a thousand watt smile on his face. "You're here!"

I patted his cheek softly, feigning the best smile I could muster. "Of course silly, where else would I be?"

That seemed to work for him, especially when I threw in a kiss on his cheek; he was just over the moon. He announced my presence loudly, arm wrapped tightly around my shoulders.

"Look who's here!" His voice boomed and everyone turned around to look at me.

"Oh Bella, sweetheart, you came." Esme's soft, maternal voice reached me first as Emmett released me and I was wrapped up in her embrace next. "I'm so glad you came honey."

"Thank you for inviting me."

"Nonsense," Carlisle was next, his strong hand on my shoulder "you are always welcome here Bella. You're family after all."

I nodded. Even though this had always felt like home, things felt different somehow. I hadn't been here since the day of the funeral and there was his almost foreign feel to the house; foreign and tear inducing. I knew I hadn't come back because all it reminded me of was the day I said goodbye to my father. That wasn't something I had high on my to- do list. I already thought about him every day, I didn't need any added reminders.

"Well, I was starting to forget what my own best friend looked like." Tiny arms wound their way around me and I couldn't help but laugh at Alice. "But you look amazing in that dress so I guess I'll forgive you this time around."

"Thanks Al." I pulled away from her, my eyes landing on her swollen belly. "You look so beautiful."

Her smiled grew even bigger and her eyes sparkled, the way she got when she was excited over something.

Alice was nearly nine months pregnant and I scanned the room until my eyes landed on her husband.

"How she been treating you Jasper?"

He smiled warmly, coming over to give me a proper hug as well. "I'll be very relieved when our child arrives." He whispered in my ear and I shook my head. He was always so proper, the southern charm always something that drew in the ladies. But the in the end it was little Alice that reeled him in. The poor guy never stood a chance.

I crossed the room so that I could say hello to Rosalie. Though she and I didn't always get along when she and Emmett first started dating, I had grown used to the blonde ice queen. She wasn't really an ice queen though. She just played the part really well. Once you got her around Emmett, she was much warmer and friendly.

As I stood there and talked with Rosalie and Alice, the doorbell rang not soon after my arrival.

My eyes darted around the room, trying to figure out who else was missing from this exclusive Christmas event. When it dawned on me, I felt like slapping myself.

How did I miss his absence before?

Emmett returned momentarily, confirming what I already knew.

"The golden boy's returned!" He announced just as loudly as when I had arrived. The entire family flocked towards him, words of welcome and hugs going all around. Emmett sneaked over back to me and gave me a knowing look.

"Aren't you going to go say hi Bella?" He nudged me slightly in my ribs and I smacked his arm playfully. Of course Emmett would remember something I had told him one night during senior year when I was drunk.

Two years later and I still haven't changed my mind. Once the family cleared, going back to what they were doing I could feel his gaze on me, causing me to look anywhere but right back at him.

It didn't matter. He was across the room with a few strides and standing right in front of me.

"Bella," his velvet voice was laced with hesitation. I looked up, finally allowing myself to meet that gaze that I used to dream about. His green eyes watched me, gauging my reaction to him saying my name.

"Hi Edward," I responded meekly "how are you?"

He nodded with a small shrug of his shoulders. "I'm alright. What about you?"

I shrugged as well. "I've been better."

"Bella," he stepped forward and placed his hands on my shoulders "I'm so sorry." He whispered before pulling me tightly against his chest. Despite having just come in from the cold he was very warm. I wrapped my arms around his waist and inhaled his scent. I felt a sense of calm wash over me when I did.

I felt him place a kiss on the top of my head. "I'm sorry I wasn't here when it happened."

I now understood his wariness when he greeted me. Edward had been the only member of the Cullen family to not attend dad's funeral. It wasn't his fault though. He was in the midst of taking his finals when dad died and there was no way he could've traveled across country and back for two days.

I pulled away and smiled up at him. "It's okay Edward. I'm not mad."

Relief crossed his features, his entire face relaxing.

"Well now that everyone's here, shall we head to the dining room to eat dinner?"

"Yes," Alice was the first to agree "I'm starving."

As they all filed into the dining room, I slid my jacket off and Edward did the same. I could feel his eyes on me and a slight red tint crept up my cheeks. Even with a simple look, Edward Cullen could always affect me like no other.

"After you," he extended his hand out and the two of us walked beside each other into the dining room. I took in his dark jeans and hunter green button down. His hair, as always, was a disarrayed mess. Just how I liked it.

We sat down beside each other and the conversation quickly turned towards the food and what everyone had been up to over the past few months.

While Alice and Jasper still lived in town, Emmett and Edward were off at school. Edward was in New York and Emmett was in Los Angeles where he and Rosalie were living together. Edward was following in his father's footsteps and gearing to go to medical school soon.

Alice, as always, took over the conversation as she started talking about the baby and the new house she and Jasper were going to buy soon.

As she talked, I thought about how excited dad had been when Alice told him she was pregnant. Dad had always loved kids and was head over heels when he learned he'd have a new little baby to visit.

It broke my heart to know that he wasn't going to get that chance now.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how many things _I _was going to miss out on with dad.

He would never walk me down the aisle when and if I ever got married.

He would never hold my first little boy or girl when I became a mother.

He'd never get to see me graduate from college.

Where the hell was the justice in that? Why did God have to take away dad before we got a chance to do all these things together? It wasn't right and it sure as hell wasn't fair.

I small pathetic choking noise escaped my throat and everyone looked at me. Fuck.

"I'm sorry…I'm fine, really." I stood quickly and walked back out to the living room, hoping none of them would follow me.

In the quiet living room, I stood there and gazed at the huge tree they had. Decorated with bright lights and a million ornaments, the pain in my chest only increased.

Our tree had always been a holiday tradition between dad and me.

Just another thing I wasn't going to get to do anymore.

I couldn't handle it anymore. I knew I should've just stayed at home. Between Alice's new life she was carrying inside of her to this very house, I didn't want any part of it.

Just as I turned quickly to get my things I came in contact with something, or rather someone.

"Don't leave Bella." I heard Edward's whispered words right before he embraced me once more.

This time though I couldn't hold back. His touch ignited something deep inside of me. Emotions that I had refused to acknowledge for so many months came rushing to the surface the moment his arms securely held me to him.

The sobs that escaped my lips were painful and I found myself gasping for air as they came faster.

"Shh," he rubbed my back "its okay. I'm here."With each word he spoke, I cried harder. Not because of what he was saying, but because it felt good to get all these emotions out. I had repressed them for months and now they were all slapping me in the face like an icy wind.

We stood there for what seemed like forever before I felt my sobs slowly subsiding.

"It's not fair," I choked out as Edward helped me sit on the couch "why did he have to leave me Edward!" I cried, lowering my head as hot tears spilled down my cheeks.

"Life is hardly ever fair to the ones who deserve it, Bella. Your father was a good man and you know it. I don't know why, but I do know that he wouldn't want you to be like this right now."

I looked up at him through my eyelashes. "Be like that?"

"The moment I saw you, I knew something was wrong. You're pale, gaunt and look like you haven't gotten a good night's rest in months. It's not healthy for you Bella. You need to take care of yourself."

A bitter laugh passed my lips. "Why, who would even care?"

He glared at me incredulously. "Bella," he brushed my hair back behind my ear "_I _would hate if something were to happen to you. I can't even fathom it."

"But…you…" I didn't understand. "Why?" I knew the two of us had always been pretty good friends, but it still didn't make sense.

"When they told me that your father had passed away, all I could think about how much I wanted to be here with you so I could help you. I'm sorry Bella, especially now that I see that his death has affected you in the way I was afraid it would. You needed someone with you and I desperately wish I could've been that person."

"It's not your fault Edward, I told you."

He shook his head, his thumbs brushing away some of my tears. "But I want to be that person for you now, even if I'm only here for a few weeks."

"You really don't have to…" my feeble attempts to tell him no were cut off when he leaned down and softly brushed his lips over mine. He pulled back quickly, but kept his hands on my face and awaited my reaction.

"Why did you stop?" Not knowing what came over me, I wound my arms around his neck and pulled him back to me. I didn't know what it was, but something in the way he kissed me made something spark up inside of me.

When he touched me, his hands gently holding me against him, it was like I was living again. The hole didn't seem as big when Edward was beside me. It was odd, being as we hadn't really seen each other over the past year. Maybe that was it. He hadn't been here the entire time dad was sick, so all he was seeing was the aftermath.

He said he wanted to be the one who took care of me and damn it, I wanted that too. Always a firm believer in taking care of myself, I had never felt as vulnerable as I did at this very moment. With emotions pouring from me to him, I knew he could feel my sadness and relief when I allowed him to deepen the kiss.

I had always felt strongly about Edward, but had always been afraid to tell him for fear of ruining our friendship. I see now that was a mistake. It would seem as though he cared a lot about me too. Whether in a strictly platonic or romantic way, I didn't really care at the moment. I knew that after this moment, after this kiss, things were going to change.

I pulled away after some time, burying my face in the crook of his neck and let out a low gush of air.

"I'm sorry if I got a little carried away there."

I shook my head firmly and he laughed lightly, his hand rising to run through my hair.

As he stroked my hair softly, I was shocked by how right this felt. Plenty of times I had envisioned this moment, but never did I think it would be under somewhat tragic circumstances.

The silence in the room was broken when I heard Edward begin to hum against the top of my head. It was a soothing, familiar Christmas song that we used to sing all the time when we were younger.

Just as I had calmed down, leaning into Edward's warm embrace, we heard a loud crashing sound come from the dining room. The crash was soon followed by a frantic looking Jasper running into the living room.

"Edward, Alice is in labor." He nearly tripped as he searched for Alice's bag, dialing the hospital as he ran back to his wife.

Edward and I looked at one another, quickly rising and putting our jackets on. The rest of the family followed suit.

"Edward, your car's the first one, take Alice with you." Carlisle calmly ordered his son. "The rest of us will meet you there."

Without thought, Edward had my hand in his as we opened the door and helped a screaming Alice get in the car, Jasper sitting next to her in the back seat. I climbed in just as Edward started the car and took off. He had always been a rather fast driver, but with his sister yelling at him from the backseat, he drove as fast as he possibly could without breaking any laws.

"Fucking drive faster Edward!" She gasped through gritted teeth. I cringed, looking over at Edward who was shaking his head.

"Shh, darlin' it's okay…we'll get there soon."

"Shut it Jasper, god I fucking hate you!" She screamed at her husband. He took it like man though, pushing some of hair back as she continued to scream at both boys in the car.

We reached the hospital in less than ten minutes, Alice being whisked away as soon as we got there, Jasper right behind them. I waited in the lobby as Edward parked his car, joining me a few minutes later.

"The rest of the family should be here any minute." He plopped down next to me. "Are all pregnant women that way?"

I shrugged. "I couldn't tell you. Edward," I turned to face him "can I ask you something?"

"Of course you can."

"Did you really meant what you said in the living room? Do you really want to…be there for me?"

He narrowed his eyes a bit. "Of course Bella, why would I lie to you?"

"You wouldn't, I just…well I just wanted to make sure. It's been awhile since I've had some good come into my life."

He smiled, that crooked grin that drove every girl crazy, placing his hand in mind and lacing them together. "I think it's only fair, being as you've always been that shining light in my life."

I blinked twice. "Excuse me?"

"I knew there was always something about you Bella, but I was always too much of a damn coward to say anything to you. I was afraid you were going to shoot me down."

I laughed. "You thought _I _would turn you down?"

"I guess we were both wrong?"

I nodded. "Yes,"

"I know that in a few weeks I have to go back to school, but I think…well, I mean…"

I held my free hand up, pressing a finger to his lips. "I don't want to think about that right now. We'll work something out later okay?"

He nodded, leaning down to kiss me again. It was short-lived though when we were suddenly surrounded by his family.

"Alice is going to be pissed when she finds out she missed this." Emmett laughed as they all sat around us.

I blushed furiously, allowing Edward to be my refuge. God I loved the way he held me. There was something addictive about his touch. Something that filled me with hope and a small glimmer of happiness.

We sat around the waiting room for a good hour or so before Jasper appeared in the doorway with a smile that rivaled Emmett's.

"It's a girl." His smiled grew bigger. "We have a daughter." There were tears of joy in his eyes and everyone stood to congratulate him.

Another hour passed and we were finally allowed to go back to see Alice in the baby.

We all crowded in the tiny room, each of wanting to catch a glimpse of the newest member of this crazy family.

Wrapped in a pink blanket, Alice held the baby and whispered things to her, the baby making gurgling noises and gripping onto her finger tightly.

"Alice, she's beautiful." I stood closet to the bed "What's her name?"

Alice looked up, tears suddenly in her eyes. She looked over at Jasper, who nodded lovingly, before looking over at me.

"We named her Charlotte." She smiled. "Charlie for short."

Air rushed out of my lungs again, my hand coming to grip the rail on the hospital bed.

"Bella," Alice looked panicked. "Are…are you mad?" she watched me with wary eyes.

I shook my head, calming when I felt a reassuring hand on my lower back.

"It's a beautiful name Alice." I whispered, tears in my own eyes. "Dad would've loved it."

And that was our undoing. Alice and I tearfully hugged each other before she handed me the baby to hold. I gently cradled the baby in my arms, marveling over just how small she was.

"You're so pretty Charlotte," I rocked her softly "I just know my dad would've loved you so much. You'll do good by his name won't you?" I ran my finger down her tiny cheek and she responded by grabbing my finger. I felt an arm wrap around me and looked over as Edward kissed my temple.

"Little Charlotte is a Christmas blessing." Esme mused as I continued to stare down at the little girl in my arms.

Suddenly, as if this black veil of sadness had been removed, I began seeing things in color again.

There was so much to be thankful for this year. Even though I had lost someone so dear to me, a new life had brought into this world. That in itself was amazing. Not only that, but Edward had just waltzed back into my life at just the right moment. In the darkest place I've even known, he came wanting to bring me out of it.

And before I knew it, I was softly singing to baby Charlotte.

'_Have yourself a Merry little Christmas, let your heart be light. Next year all our troubles will be out of sight…next year all our troubles will be miles away…'_

The rest of the song I hummed tearfully, having a completely different reaction towards the song. While earlier I absolutely hated it, I was now relishing in the words and how true they rang for me.

I may not be one hundred percent better as of right now, but I just knew that between little Charlotte and Edward, the New Year would prove to be a good one.

As the baby drifted off, I handed her back to Alice and returned to the arms I was quickly coming to love. Looking up, my eyes focused on something far away. A light outside of the hospital room that didn't quite exactly belong.

"Thanks dad," I whispered quietly "I love you."

And just like that the light disappeared, and I felt some of the closure I had desperately been seeking for months.

Dark to light, I had just found my Christmas hope.

* * *

**The song used in the beginning and end of this was 'Have yourself a merry little Christmas' by Judy Garland. It's a song that gets me every year, but I love it so much. **

**I wrote, hoping to strike up some emotions, and I hope I did just that. **

**Hope you guys enjoyed it & I hope you all have an amazing Christmas! **


End file.
